This topic has been
in my head since my friend Talia bravely published her story a couple
of months back. As a woman in a male-dominated career, I have
experienced sexual discrimination. Most women have. My experience
hasn't been as dramatic or damaging as others', but it has had a
small impact on my career and the way I conduct myself. I don't have
a jaw-dropping story to share, just little experiences that have
added up over the years.
This is a delicate
subject to write about. The vast majority of the people I've worked
with have not treated me unfairly because I'm female. Only a select
few stand out in my mind as examples of sexual discrimination to
share. I still have good working relationships with the majority of
the men I will write about here, which makes life all the more
interesting.
I've learned that
older men either lose their inhibitions or have lived most of their
lives in a world where being openly flirtatious with women in a
professional environment was normal. I can't count how many older men
(usually above 70) have called me terms of endearment such as sweetie and commented on my appearance. These comments and
mannerisms are often easily dismissed as being cute, even if
inappropriate.
I was a leader in a
professional organization with a much older man (somewhere around 90)
on the leadership team. I don't believe that he meant any harm, but
he was so flirtatious in his emails, phone calls, and in-person
interactions that I ended up blocking his phone number, deleting his
non-business emails, and limiting my interactions with him in person.
The bombardment of unwanted attention only stopped when I left the
organization.
A recent encounter
with a flirtatious older man in a professional setting annoyed my
husband a great deal, reminding me how much I encounter this kind of
situation and shrug it off. In our few hours together, this man
repeatedly commented on my looks and lightly suggested an intimate
encounter with him and his wife involving me, while standing next to
his wife, which made me uncomfortable for her sake as well as mine.
When I shared this story with my husband, he was disgusted and asked
me how a man could take me seriously as a professional when making
comments like that.
Powerful older men
are the boldest. One such man came on directly to me for several
months, holding the promise of job prospects over my head, suggesting
that we have dinner together at some point, just the two of us. I
very much wanted the job and I respected the man professionally,
viewing him as a role model. It wasn't until he consumed a little too
much alcohol at an industry party, asked me why I hadn't yet found
“Mr. Right” (I was single at the time), and made me promise to go
out with him sometime to tell him my story did I realize that I
needed to step back. Dinner never happened and the job never
happened. Although I still see this man fairly regularly and still
respect him professionally, I know that I could never work for him. A
year later, when he commented to me that a colleague and I were “two
beautiful and talented young women” who got away from him because
he didn't hire us, I had to roll my eyes and inwardly laugh.
A well-known
powerful man I still regularly interact with and respect a great deal
as a role model gets the award for being the boldest. I was able to
laugh this one off pretty much immediately. Alcohol was involved, as
was a late night, as was my naivety. We were attending a conference
and deeply involved in a conversation late one night. Others kept
approaching us and interrupting, so we decided to call it a night and
walked to the elevators together. Once in the elevators, he asked if
I wanted to continue our conversation, and I very much did. So we
went into my room. Yes, I'm very naive about men. I was in a
“professional at a conference” mindset, not in an “inviting a
man into my hotel room” mindset. He immediately tried to kiss me. I
stopped him with a knee-jerk, “No, you're married,” response. And
then we sat down and continued our professional conversation! And we
never spoke about it again.
More serious is the
sexual discrimination that affects my career negatively. A previous
job had an “old boys” network that would have held me back had I
stayed there longer. I noticed how it affect a coworker before I noticed
how it affected me. She's a highly intelligent, highly educated,
hard-working woman who had been around for a while. I couldn't
understand why she wasn't more highly respected and promoted.
Management seemed to treat her one step up from a new-hire, a much
lower status than her skill set, work ethic, and longevity merited.
And then my eyes opened, especially after she confided to me a story
of sexual harassment by a professional VIP who we worked with: she wasn't
treated with as much respect as she deserved because she is a woman.
Then I began to note
how I was treated, especially compared to male colleagues. The contrast
was striking and disturbing. In one small instance, I spoke up about
how I felt. I had given my professional opinion on a topic a few
times over several months and had been ignored. An older male
colleague brought up the same topic, though he knew nothing about it,
and suddenly it was a shining idea that no one had ever thought of
before. I mentioned that I had brought it up several times already
and was surprised that no one remembered, and I was treated like a
little child with a “there there” pat on my head. I began to
notice that my opinions, ideas, and aspirations were widely ignored
or belittled. I can't say for certain that this was due to sexual
discrimination versus culture, but regardless, I needed to move on.
And then there's the
inappropriate language that pops up in professional conversation. I
recently had a lunch meeting with a man who others regard highly.
(For the record, I don't see what they see in him.) I do not get
offended by the use of colorful language, but I do note people's
choices in using such language. Early in the conversation, he stated
that he hates space “with the passion of a thousand burning cunts.”
My internal reactions were: 1) Why are you working in the space
industry if you hate it so much, and 2) Why would you think that it's
ever appropriate to use that kind of language in a professional
conversation?
Although my
experiences thus far have been relatively tame compared to some, I
still felt the need to speak out. Small-scale sexual discrimination
in the space profession is the norm and those who experience it
needn't be embarrassed to admit it. This will continue to change over
time. It's better now than it was, and it will improve in my
daughter's generation. I will note with surprise that I can't think
of an example of outright sexual discrimination in professional
circles with men of my own generation, which is an impressive
statement. Kudos to the men of all generations who treat professional
women with the respect and dignity that we deserve.
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